The Slaughter of the Fattened Calf

I was greeted - so many years ago - with this: "The prodigal son returns!"

Who ever thinks that of themselves - that they are off sinning and the whole like, and that they spend their today's and tomorrows simply spending?

Suffice it to say, we delude ourselves how ever and whenever necessary. It's a survival mechanism in some people, I think. Self-loathing is easily a fatal condition.

So - after hearing that, I decided to look it up, get to know it, perhaps understand the context and the relation - why somebody would say something like that to me. As I said - we delude ourselves. That's right, me too.

I threw a lot of 'why's in the air, and it left a particularly sour taste in my mouth.

I tote about this world like a fool. Some one, who at some point, I would openly point to - in my mind of course - and say, that is a fool. And I wouldn't say it at a whim - it would not be a snap-judgment. I would get to know me before I would call me such a thing - watch for habits, learn the nuances. Then, I would say: that is a fool.

Why do I live like I have lost everything?

Why do I lose myself?

I cycled through my mind of all the people and things that I love, took inventory, and found that nothing was missing. The state of the world is what it is, but - to date - I have not done a goddamn thing to make it better.

No complaints - see?

End tangent - all the same, I look up to the skies and say to myself... Stop. Just stop. You leave broken mirrors in your wake and you take more than you give.

I think to myself, if I was as hard on myself as I was on everybody else, I would be doing much better than I am these days.

No blame.
Just me.

Fix it - quit fucking up.